It is my last evening as a resident of Flat D The Green, after two of the loveliest years you can imagine. There are many reasons why this flat has been a treat to live in: it’s bright, it’s well laid out, it’s opposite a beautiful manor house, it’s got great transport links. But all of those things together would not have made it the haven that it is if it were not for JoJo.
Should she ever need it, let this serve as a reference for why living with Jo will make your life infinitely better.
She is a master friend-blender
Jo collects friends. Every new person she meets is a potential friend. (I, meanwhile, veer wildly between assuming people are terrible and instantly thinking they are THE COOLEST MOST BRILLIANT PERSON IN THE WORLD and therefore being too overwhelmed to speak to them. Skillz. I recently started following a colleague’s wife on Instagram because I wanted to look at pictures of their cat, and I am now convinced that we are destined to be best friends and, as such, will be entirely unable to form coherent sentences should we ever meet).
Being collected by Jo is a delight. She assumes – correctly – that people she likes will in turn like each other. So she facilitates joyful occasions to bring them all together. There are so many funny smart lovely people who are now in my life because Jo brought them into it. I am very very glad she collected us all.
You will consume an unquantifiable amount of delicious treats
It’s not necessarily good for your blood sugar levels or your waistline, but it’s definitely good for the soul.
I am fairly certain that I have eaten more French Fancies in the past 24 months than I did in the 24 years preceding them. We devised a comprehensive ranking for all the core and seasonal variations. (Yellow ones are, of course, The Champion Of Fancies. Cocktail Fancies were marketed specifically to us, but underwhelmed. Black Hallowe’en Fancies are an abomination).
We have created and consumed endless variations on Asian Salmon Bowl and our Goode and Wright inspired sweet potato and chorizo hash. We are an unbeatable Sunday Roast team, delivering exquisite Yorkshire puddings and creamy cauliflower cheese and all manner of other delicious fripperies. We have glued together crumbling loaf cakes with generous application of sugary drizzle. We have mastered the proportions required to make a perfect teapotful of amaretto sour.
And, on a weekend morning, just as you are emerging from your cosy dozing, she will text you: “☕️?”
Yes, is the answer. Yes.
Sometimes there will be pancakes, too.
Your flat will be full of lovely things
We spent literally weeks when we first moved in working out exactly what should go on our bookshelves and how it should be arranged. They were a work of art. (I’d put a picture in, but I’ve decimated them while packing and I can hardly bear to look at them in their depleted state, let alone show them to the world).
Every pretty teal thing in West London made its way into our flat. Our cushions matched our bowls. [Not a euphemism]. We have agonised over reed diffusers to make sure the flat was a treat for the nose as well as the eyes. There have always been fresh flowers, and sometimes I’d come home and the four carnations which had clung on to life after the rest of their floral brethren had fallen would be arranged in a little vase and sitting on my windowsill to greet me. We both knew that it was essential we buy the bumper pack of 100 tiny baubles from Paperchase, but also that this would not be nearly enough baubles to adorn our tree and so we must supplement it with other sparkly and spangly festive trinkets.
Aside from the actual Pictures Of Famous Babies, we have essentially furnished our flat in the style of Elle Macpherson as Joey Tribbiani’s roommate.
You will delight in the little things
When £1 worth of sponges from Tiger lasted a full year: DELIGHT.
When you make a packed lunch exclusively from odds and ends in the fridge: DELIGHT.
When both your beds are wearing their best bedding: DELIGHT.
You’ll get to enjoy the unstoppable force that is her mum
A small figurine of Father Christmas holding a cat.
Imagine that this sets the tone for how brilliant every encounter with her will be. IT’S BETTER THAN THAT. DOUBLE IT.
She is very funny and you will laugh A LOT
She is very kind
It will get a bit gushing if I write about it, but let it be known: she is The Grand High Priestess of Kindness.
If you do the hoovering, she’ll clean the bathroom
A perfect housemate. 11/10.