Really takes the biscuit

Terror has been unleashed across the people of Britain. Yesterday’s Great British Bake Off was ALLEGEDLY Biscuit Week.

For me, a biscuit is something that you can dunk in your tea. You don’t have to dunk them – but you could.

The Noted Biscuit Oracles over at have an official biscuit taxonomy, which is more nuanced but essentially boils down to the same thing: biscuits are fundamentally biscuity.

I hereby dispute the right of the following items to call themselves biscuits, even though they have been baked during a GBBO biscuit week:

1. Macarons

You couldn’t dunk a macaron in your tea. It would dissolve instantly, leaving you clutching the squodgy middle bit and scalding your fingers. I like a macaron very much; JoJo and I have a makeshift spice rack made out of our many Laduree boxes. But they aren’t biscuits. They’re just not.

Better classification: Fancy Meringuish Treat

2. Florentines

Florentines are chewy and buttery and bendy and delicious. One Christmas when I was working as a barista we sold a particularly wonderful Florentine. I am fairly certain that I ate two for every one that was sold to a customer. But is a load of nuts and fruit held together with caramel and coated in chocolate a biscuit? No. It is not.

Better classification: Nutty Festive Disc

3. Brandy Snaps

Mark claimed that the official name of Brandy Snaps is a Brandy Snap Biscuit. Later, he conceded that the word he had been thinking of was not “biscuit” but “basket”.

Better classification: Edible Basket

4. Arlettes

If the first stage of making something is “make puff pastry”, then it’s not a biscuit, is it, Paul Hollywood? Stop this madness. Also, arlettes seem to me to just be big old oval palmiers. Why would you make an oval if you could make a charming heart? Whatever shape they are, they’re not a biscuit.

Better classification: Pastry Crisp

5. All savoury biscuits

Nope. Not going in my tea. Not a biscuit.

Better classification: Slim Crouton


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