Terror has been unleashed across the people of Britain. Yesterday’s Great British Bake Off was ALLEGEDLY Biscuit Week.
For me, a biscuit is something that you can dunk in your tea. You don’t have to dunk them – but you could.
The Noted Biscuit Oracles over at NiceCupOfTeaAndASitDown.com have an official biscuit taxonomy, which is more nuanced but essentially boils down to the same thing: biscuits are fundamentally biscuity.
I hereby dispute the right of the following items to call themselves biscuits, even though they have been baked during a GBBO biscuit week:
You couldn’t dunk a macaron in your tea. It would dissolve instantly, leaving you clutching the squodgy middle bit and scalding your fingers. I like a macaron very much; JoJo and I have a makeshift spice rack made out of our many Laduree boxes. But they aren’t biscuits. They’re just not.
Better classification: Fancy Meringuish Treat
Florentines are chewy and buttery and bendy and delicious. One Christmas when I was working as a barista we sold a particularly wonderful Florentine. I am fairly certain that I ate two for every one that was sold to a customer. But is a load of nuts and fruit held together with caramel and coated in chocolate a biscuit? No. It is not.
Better classification: Nutty Festive Disc
3. Brandy Snaps
Mark claimed that the official name of Brandy Snaps is a Brandy Snap Biscuit. Later, he conceded that the word he had been thinking of was not “biscuit” but “basket”.
Better classification: Edible Basket
If the first stage of making something is “make puff pastry”, then it’s not a biscuit, is it, Paul Hollywood? Stop this madness. Also, arlettes seem to me to just be big old oval palmiers. Why would you make an oval if you could make a charming heart? Whatever shape they are, they’re not a biscuit.
Better classification: Pastry Crisp
5. All savoury biscuits
Nope. Not going in my tea. Not a biscuit.
Better classification: Slim Crouton